Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
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MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
I’m calling the cops.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*