Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
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Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
crochet youtube is brutal
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”