Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
You Might Also Like
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
What the hell happened here.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.