WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
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[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
I’m not proud
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.