WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
You Might Also Like
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying