Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
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Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.