Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
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me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.