This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
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Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
Picking out the right Christmas tree is a science. Sneaking into your neighbor’s yard to cut it down is an art.
Him: I’m heading to the gym
Me: I’m heading to the fridge
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
In ~72 hours this will be completely incomprehensible
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
I lost a roomba in my apartment. Don’t ask me to babysit.