WIFE: What are you doing?


WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?

ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.

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This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.


Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.


Husband: Where’d my stick go?


Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why


Picking out the right Christmas tree is a science. Sneaking into your neighbor’s yard to cut it down is an art.


Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene


Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake

Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt


In ~72 hours this will be completely incomprehensible


I lost a roomba in my apartment. Don’t ask me to babysit.