When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
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When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.