keanu reeves calling carly rae jepsen the most talented musician he’s listened to in his lifetime is a huge complement when you remember that he’s been alive for several thousand years
Wife: What ARE you doing?
Me: [pelvic thrusting around the kitchen] Gettin jiggy wit it what’s it look like?
W: Making the dog nervous.
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I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Looking back through old photos I’ve decided the most flattering angle for me is 1997
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.