*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
You Might Also Like
Sperm can live inside a woman for like 2 weeks.
Nine months if things go really wrong.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
The first rule of father club is “don’t tell your mother”
[at SunMaid farms with a guy]
Guy: so is this a date?
Girl:… No? These are raisins
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
So far today I’ve watched cartoons, had a nap, drank chocolate milk and ate cereal for lunch. I’m basically a toddler.