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*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing


Sperm can live inside a woman for like 2 weeks.

Nine months if things go really wrong.


All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”


[Father’s Day]

ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…

DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!


Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.


Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!

Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.


The first rule of father club is “don’t tell your mother”


[at SunMaid farms with a guy]

Guy: so is this a date?
Girl:… No? These are raisins


70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.


So far today I’ve watched cartoons, had a nap, drank chocolate milk and ate cereal for lunch. I’m basically a toddler.