Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
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Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.