*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
You Might Also Like
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
The old gods are rising again.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.