When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
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I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*