wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?

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*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in this

Nurse: you’re not a patient here


I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, this place is a cesspool and I’m never leaving


“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.



When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion


“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”

[tries to date pizza]

[gets friend calzoned]


Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.


Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.


Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.


The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍


Some days when I think back on music from the late 90’s I often get a little blue da ba dee da ba die..