@iwearaonesie

wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?

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@Buffalojilll

*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in this

Nurse: you’re not a patient here

@red_dye2

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, this place is a cesspool and I’m never leaving

@pattonoswalt

“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.

#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield

@MattLevy51

When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion

@MattchooFitz

“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”

[tries to date pizza]

[gets friend calzoned]

@kimtopher22

Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.

@BoomBoomBetty

Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.

@UhhhJasonWebb

Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.

@shash_____

The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍

@Phook75

Some days when I think back on music from the late 90’s I often get a little blue da ba dee da ba die..