wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
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One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.