Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato

Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying

Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning

Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting

She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.

[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know

Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?

Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.

Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.

Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.

back to work

Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.

OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?

Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.

[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.

“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”

I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend

Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow

Remember that it’s “i before e” …

Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.

“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”

If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.

SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE

My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.

Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!

If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.

movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.

I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.

My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.

too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk

there should be a crisis hotline to call for anyone who has witnessed me trying to eat a big leaf salad in public

Good point.

I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.

Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?

Five Guys CEO: you heard me

Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.