Wife: What did I ask you to do?

Me: Love you forever?


M: Kill a man to defend you honor?


I was getting there.

You Might Also Like


“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”

-fuse box on a power trip.


If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn


if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done


This Male Order Bride is the worst and most expensive typo I’ve ever paid for.


A person dies every 3 seconds. How can a person die that many times?


I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.


doctor: god you’re unhealthy

me: we haven’t started the check-up

doctor: ya i just found your insta


Im the victim of an office bathroom power move. My guy used both air dryers to dry his hands while I just stood there like a wet handed fool


kidnapper: we have your son

dad: his fault for staying out all night

kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom

dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been

kidnapper: he was

dad: on his phone probably

kidnapper: fast asleep

dad: i guarantee you he was faking it