@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: What did I ask you to do?

Me: Love you forever?

W:

M: Kill a man to defend you honor?

W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER

I was getting there.

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@Daveastated

“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”

-fuse box on a power trip.

@bridger_w

If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn

@fuzzlime

if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done

@ToneLoaf

This Male Order Bride is the worst and most expensive typo I’ve ever paid for.

@TEXASVETERAN

A person dies every 3 seconds. How can a person die that many times?

@Ameiam

I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.

@PleaseBeGneiss

doctor: god you’re unhealthy

me: we haven’t started the check-up

doctor: ya i just found your insta

@jonny_is_good

Im the victim of an office bathroom power move. My guy used both air dryers to dry his hands while I just stood there like a wet handed fool

@OllyiConic

kidnapper: we have your son

dad: his fault for staying out all night

kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom

dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been

kidnapper: he was

dad: on his phone probably

kidnapper: fast asleep

dad: i guarantee you he was faking it