Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
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Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
A French press is when you hug naked
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car