@KalvinMacleod

WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*

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@Home_Halfway

“Lucy, in the sky, with diamonds.” – John Lennon, the world’s worst Clue player

@YeahDrewisOn

Hey girl, heard you really like pandas

*Seductively eats bamboo*

@SentenceReduced

The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.

@Sarcasticsapien

It’s like the TSA doesn’t even care relationships end cause we can’t run through the airport and stop someone from getting on a plane.

@MrGeorgeWallace

Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.

@bazecraze

You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.