WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*

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“Lucy, in the sky, with diamonds.” – John Lennon, the world’s worst Clue player


Hey girl, heard you really like pandas

*Seductively eats bamboo*


The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.


It’s like the TSA doesn’t even care relationships end cause we can’t run through the airport and stop someone from getting on a plane.


Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.


You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.