Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
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My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?