@ThugRaccoons

Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?

Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*

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@Scdavis24

Finding out your ex got fat is like finding 20 bucks in your pocket. Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your face.

@kirkfox

I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.

@ShortSleeveSuit

Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today

Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon

@Rollmaninoz

Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?

@Home_Halfway

Not sure what to do with your hands while on a date? Carry two swords. Next question

@CoriTheUnicorn

When 2 Chainz doesn’t want to be recognized he just takes off one chain.

@Adam_Kingsnorth

Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.

@daemonic3

Is this your resume?

“Yep”

It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away

“Oh yes”

Welcome to UPS!