Finding out your ex got fat is like finding 20 bucks in your pocket. Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your face.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
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*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Don’t leave the milk out overnight.
Not sure what to do with your hands while on a date? Carry two swords. Next question
When 2 Chainz doesn’t want to be recognized he just takes off one chain.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Is this your resume?
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
Welcome to UPS!