@ThugRaccoons

Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?

Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*

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@WorstCassie

The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.

@Darlainky

Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?

@RockabillyJay

If fire shoots out of the chimney the Papal Conclave has selected a new drummer for Slayer.

@itrevormoore

Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.

@djdarrellripley

The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…

More hair in my drain.

@Jandalize

Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?

@PetrickSara

Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.

@vvvolte

does anyone know what to do if you carve a pumpkin that is too scary. i cant go in my kitchen

@meganamram

“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear