The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
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Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
If fire shoots out of the chimney the Papal Conclave has selected a new drummer for Slayer.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
does anyone know what to do if you carve a pumpkin that is too scary. i cant go in my kitchen
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear