Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
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Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk