Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
You Might Also Like
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.