wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
You Might Also Like
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
This is Sparta
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.