wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
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Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
bad
worse
worst
worchester
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together