Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
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My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding