@ericsshadow

Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*

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@Lisa_Laughs_

They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.

@TheDailySchmuck

1995: one day the Internet will allow all people access to the full breadth of human knowledge.

2016: *watching cat videos*

@dumbbeezie

Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax

@Kodotropo

*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”

@ItsAllBollocks

Nobody teaches you how to use a semicolon; you just read shit like this and it clicks

@TouchOfAlchemy

Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list

The more you know

@BradBroaddus

I don’t always eat breakfast in my underwear but when I do, I get escorted out of Waffle House.

@Donna_McCoy

Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.

@EndhooS

[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin

@copymama

Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.