Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@st00pidfast

I can’t make you love me but I can tie you up and feed you until you’re too fat to be loved by anyone else.

@iSpeakComedy

My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.

@badbanana

My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.

@Angibangie

Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?

Him: A scientist?

Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?

Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date

@PoodleSnarf

*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore

*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*

@jellybnbonanza

What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?

@Erin1137

I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street

@FlyoverJoel

If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.

@nextpotmodel_

i blame everything on the illuminati. stale bread? illuminati.

@jonnysun

DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil