@Jason_maybe: Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we'll never run into again. If you don't you're probably it.

@hippieswordfish: 'babe, i'm ready' -says my wife, from the bedroom 'be right there' -i say from the bathroom, trying furiously to untangle my yo-yo string

@Social_Mime: In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say "here."

@dril: i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime

@jctwritesstuff: Cop: Know why I pulled you over? Me: Was it the air guitar? Cop: *shy* Yeah can... can I get your autograph? Me: Happens all the time. Cop: Thanks! Me: Hey! This is a ticket!