Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!

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Captain Caillou

Aunt Man


Iron Jan



[job interview]

“Tell me one of your long term goals”


“No, I meant-”

*leans in way too close* My answer isn’t going to change


So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk


There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.


I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.


Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.


Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.

Day 2: Moldy.

Repeat weekly.


OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!

*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*


white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone


Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.