Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!

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I can’t make you love me but I can tie you up and feed you until you’re too fat to be loved by anyone else.


My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.


My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.


Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?

Him: A scientist?

Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?

Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date


*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore

*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*


What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?


I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street


If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.


DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil