@evangeline_dawn

Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!

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@ShortSleeveSuit

REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:

Thorothy

Captain Caillou

Aunt Man

Backfat

Iron Jan

Thanus

@dafloydsta

[job interview]

“Tell me one of your long term goals”

Sleeping

“No, I meant-”

*leans in way too close* My answer isn’t going to change

@Yung__Naan

So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk

@John_Quaintance

There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.

@squirrel74wkgn

I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.

@Marlebean

Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.

@sixfootcandy

Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.

Day 2: Moldy.

Repeat weekly.

@elunatyk

OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!

*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*

@thholyghost

white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone

@YoungNobler

Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.