@evangeline_dawn

Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!

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@david8hughes

[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock

@WhaJoTalkinBout

Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.

@AbrasiveGhost

[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money

@thenatewolf

ME: [forgetting the name of someone I went to school with for years] Hey… man!

ME: [watching GoT] That’s Randyll Tarly, Samwell’s father.

@aveuaskew

” I made my famous dip for the office party”

You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.

“But he wasn’t a chef”

Exactly

@BillyCorben

They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!

@Boobzillaz

Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!

In the grass..

So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!

[all the children]

Grass??

Yessssss.

@junejuly12

Him: you’re so cool

Me: thanks

Him: …and aloof

Me: thanks

Him: it’s like you were raised by cats

Me: *licks his face* huh?

@AnOrangeSNES

Yes Pony Express?

I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?