@evangeline_dawn
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
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@david8hughes
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
@WhaJoTalkinBout
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
@AbrasiveGhost
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
@thenatewolf
ME: [forgetting the name of someone I went to school with for years] Hey… man!
ME: [watching GoT] That’s Randyll Tarly, Samwell’s father.
@aveuaskew
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
@BillyCorben
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
@Boobzillaz
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
@junejuly12
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
@AnOrangeSNES
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?