Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
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2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
Smooooooth
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Cool shirt 🙂
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.