wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
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[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
i did the math
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables