WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
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I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
📽️movie date🎞️
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
incredible