Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
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Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me