sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
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do you think my parents divorced because I’m too handsome like they said
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
yo i hate honors college boys i just asked this guy “hey why aren’t koalas considered bears?” and he hits me with “they’re marsupials” shut up nerd the answer to the joke is “they don’t have the koalafications”
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
My house is really small until I can’t find my phone.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out