@BraandoCommando

wife: what’d you do today

me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese

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@KalvinMacleod

[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.

@heatherlou_

All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.

@MechaDenny

Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.

“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”

Haha sure thing kiddo

@lyric_intent

It’s ok spider, everyone screams when I surprise them in the shower too

@ClichedOut

my gf left me cuz i’m insecure

never mind she’s back she went pee

@shwebby2

If you want to interrogate someone, do it in German

You could say “I love you and brought you flowers” and I’d shit myself!

@RunOldMan

Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.

@TuffyNyC

Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”

Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”

@KylePlantEmoji

You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?

Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask