wife: what’d you do today

me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese

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ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.


All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.


Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.

“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”

Haha sure thing kiddo


It’s ok spider, everyone screams when I surprise them in the shower too


my gf left me cuz i’m insecure

never mind she’s back she went pee


If you want to interrogate someone, do it in German

You could say “I love you and brought you flowers” and I’d shit myself!


Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.


Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”

Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”


You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?

Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask