Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
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Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
oppen heimer style lol
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous