@iinkedZombie

Wife: ” What’d you do today?”

Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”

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@michaelianblack

If countries don’t want revolutions, they should stop putting large public squares in the middle of their cities. So stupid!

@decentbirthday

Isn’t it weird that Greenland is icy and Iceland is where my wife moved when she left me

@freypalm

Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.

Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.

@TimmyPumpkin

dorothy: WET TSHIRT CONTEST!
wicked witch: NOOOOOOOOO!
tin man: worst spring break ever.

@shariv67

It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.

@HatfieldAnne

[on neighbor’s porch]
I am here to purchase the dog you neglect. Either you take this money now or I will use it myself to post bail later.

@EndhooS

[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.

@Darlainky

Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.

@figgled

#liestoldbygirls I am an 18th century mahogany cabinet.