Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
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Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior