@truegritrumble

WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen

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@CocoJr

2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say

@WritePlay

*dog barks at absolutely everything, every time*

Me: SHUT UP

*dog barks at burglar, one time*

Me: It’s like he just knew there was danger

@robdelaney

How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.

@fro_vo

[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words

@briangaar

In my opinion Scotland should be independent, otherwise Mel Gibson died for nothing

@ClichedOut

Her: What superpower would you choose?

Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.

@AndyAsAdjective

FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight

ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?

FRIEND: um, like…to dinner

ME: cool, cool