@Love_bug1016
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
@truegritrumble
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
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@Love_bug1016
@CocoJr
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
@WritePlay
*dog barks at absolutely everything, every time*
Me: SHUT UP
*dog barks at burglar, one time*
Me: It’s like he just knew there was danger
@PatsATweetin
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
@robdelaney
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
@fro_vo
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
@briangaar
In my opinion Scotland should be independent, otherwise Mel Gibson died for nothing
@ClichedOut
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
@AndyAsAdjective
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so Iβm taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool