It’s been 4 years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
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i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
I use someone calling me during a phone call as an opportunity to hang up on both of them.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.
What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.