@AndrewChamings

wife: what’s bothering you, hun?

attila: the romans

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@colebuer

It’s been 4 years since my job interview.

I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else

@hyenasaur

i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64

@myonlymizztake

His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”

@k_lli

A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.

@kimtopher22

I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.

@BBQJones28

I use someone calling me during a phone call as an opportunity to hang up on both of them.

@SteveSuckington

Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.

@dorsalstream

[lights 2016 calendar on fire]

There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.

[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]

@Parkerlawyer

Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.

I went to law school for this.

@SladeWentworth

What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.

What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.