WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
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crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Tuesday
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
scrabbled eggs
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing