Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
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*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
Come back with a warrant
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.