Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
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“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
6: The screaming
Me: I got it