Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was

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Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.


“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”


“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”


wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad

me: that is true of literally every food


She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.


It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.


ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho


visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing


Me: Go get everyone for dinner please


Me: I meant go walk and get them

6: But I like using my mommy voice


6: The screaming

Me: I got it