wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
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King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
we’re gonna need another temp
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Beware of the “party goblin”…
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
mechanics be like
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.