WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
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White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet