@iwearaonesie

wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing

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@ksujulie

“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”

@smithsara79

Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain

Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right

@iwearaonesie

*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*

@Rollinintheseat

I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.

@AbbieEvansXO

Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?

Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok

@claire_mudie

This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁

@Scott_A_Gilmore

Few people know that inventor of the car alarm Enrico Irritanti never owned an automobile. He did, however, passionately hate his neighbors.

@AndyAsAdjective

*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*

hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job

Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky

@gfishandnuggets

If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?