wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
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The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.