Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
You Might Also Like
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )