wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
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The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.