Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
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Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Doggies just call it style.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.