My daughter wanted a Cinderella themed birthday party, so I invited All of her Friends over and made them clean the house.
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“Did my dad make it, doctor?”
Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old