can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
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Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Mountain Goat : )
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.