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@iinkedZombie

My daughter wanted a Cinderella themed birthday party, so I invited All of her Friends over and made them clean the house.

@Reverend_Scott

[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”

Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.

[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”

Haha no, he went to Disney World.

@pleatedjeans

When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you

@70Ceeks

at the salon thinking of going darker for winter

maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl

@squirrel74wkgn

Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.

@TheToddWilliams

I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.

@GorillaNipples1

*invents time machine*

*has an opportunity to right a wrong*

*makes it wronger*

@internetluke

[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”

@jonnysun

me: helo darkness my old friend

darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old