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As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.


olive garden host: welcome to ol-

me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives


Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.


Cashier: “Yes I know it’s only $1 but it’s not coming up in the system so I need to do a price check, call the manager & hold a shareholders meeting.”


Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull


Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop


angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?

god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun


“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”

– Ludacris steps on a land mine