Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
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If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
ready to be harvested
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.