wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
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High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO