wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
You Might Also Like
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
found my next D&D character name
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
this article brought to you by lions