Wife: Where are the kids?

Me *turns off router*

[from down the hallway]


Me: They’re in their rooms.

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ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]


Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.


Friend: Take more chances in life.

Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?


Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.


I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.


[at work during the pandemic]

BOSS: omg what the hell

ME: I’m wearing the damn mask

BOSS: why down there though


“Creepy DM: I want to shave your legs.
Me: Ew”

On reflection this would have been a real time saver.

If you’re reading this, call me?


Sometimes words just aren’t enough.

And that’s why we have middle fingers.


If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.