ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
Wife: Where are the kids?
Me *turns off router*
[from down the hallway]
Me: They’re in their rooms.
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Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
“Creepy DM: I want to shave your legs.
On reflection this would have been a real time saver.
If you’re reading this, call me?
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
Sometimes words just aren’t enough.
And that’s why we have middle fingers.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.