[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
You Might Also Like
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.