Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
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Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
I’m not sorry.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
I never needed anything more in my life
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat